Silences

They had been together for ever. That’s how it felt to her – forever. As she sat there in the living room looking at the television she almost had to laugh at the farce their lives had become. They sat together in silence every night looking at the same television but their thoughts were always a million miles away. They would sit there a few feet apart from each other, thankful for the loud noises and disturbing images of the TV show as it distracted them from the abyss their relationship had slipped into. So night after night, they sat there – two strangers under the same roof, living a lie.

She liked these silences. Silence was good. It was the screaming and shouting, the abuses and vindictive words that she couldn’t take. For months now, their passionate caresses had been replaced by restrained and accidental brushes. Their longing whispers had given way to venomous words that neither of them could control. The resentment seemed to free-flow at the drop of the hat and she couldn’t understand why. She remembered a time they had met as kids and fallen in love – a time when their love was perfect. She remembered the elaborate dreams they had for their future together and now she sat there looking for traces of that love. As usual, she remained hopeful that maybe someday soon, they would go back to being themselves. Maybe their lives would collide into each other again and love would heal everything. She hoped and she hoped.

The agony of those estranged months slowly tore her up inside. But she held on. She owed it to him, to the past seven years, to at least try to work this out. When lashed out at her, she screamed back. Then slowly she would reach out to him and look for some middle ground. After strained words and many tears, the anger would fade and silence would take its place. Each night as she went to bed, she ignored the space between them and held on tight to the memories of a time when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. “I’ll die without you. I’m nothing without you” he had once sobbed into her shoulder. She had held him close and whispered “I’ll always love you. I’ll always be right here.” Love. She wondered where all the love had gone.

As she sat there that night, enveloped in these thoughts of their love, she slowly looked over at him. She did not want to start a fight. Tonight, she felt weak. She would not be able to bear his angry taunts and irate screams. She knew it would break her. So, despite all these thoughts, she just sat there and looked at him. As her eyes searched every inch of him – that face and body she knew so well – she longed to see a shadow of the man who had swept her off her feet. The gentleness of his face had made way for a harsh and bitter man. She watched him as he sat there with his eyes transfixed to the television. This was the most civil they had been with each other in a long time. Yes, silence was good. As he raised his glass to his lips and watched the golden glow of the whiskey he had been drinking. She could not remember a time in the recent past when she had seen him without his glass in hand.

He emptied his glass in a swift gulp and got up to fix another. As he stumbled past her to re-fill his drink, she whispered “I don’t love you anymore.” She barely heard herself. With a deep breath she said to his turned back, “I don’t love you anymore.” This time they both heard it. He gulped a shot of whiskey and slowly turned to her. “What?” he asked wearily. “I said, I don’t love you anymore”, she said as she looked him straight in the eye. She was right, she didn’t recognize him anymore. They stood there in silence again but this time, it was a silence of peace, of understanding. Their eyes searched each other for a faint glimpse of what they used to be but they met with nothing but silence. Their eyes locked for what seemed like eternity. It was the longest they had been able to look at each other without contempt. Then, slowly she turned away and walked out the door. She had no idea what kind of life she was walking towards, but she knew that she was walking away from a life that wasn’t hers – it hadn’t been for a long time now.