Fragile Human Spirit

What do you do when you're torn right down the centre? When you feel like life is all about choices but it is impossible to choose? Is it possible to exist in this vague irresolute spot that exists between the binaries?

Is it possible to love someone so much that all you want to do is shield them and protect them from the world? I’ve seen the world and the people in it. I’ve been hurt and shattered by them. I’ve also fought my way back to sanity.. putting together the shards of my human spirit and dignity. Putting on my armor, all I want to do is protect my loved one from feeling this agony. No sadness must touch that soul; no despair can cast its shadow. Like a warrior I shield his spirit. Like an animal, my instinct is to guard him. Like a mother, I want to cradle him. Yes, no harm will ever come his way. No frown will ever crease his brow. No fear will ever keep him up at night. Every second of this life, I stand in alert vigil.

What happens then, if that source of sorrow is me? What if I’ve been busy building a fortress around him to keep other people out, and failed to notice that I’ve trapped him in here with me. Me – the person who wanted to protect him, now a source of agony and heartbreak. Am I selfish? Did I set him up? After all that’s said and done, can I now make a choice that will shatter his soul and leave him jaded? The morbid irony of life almost amuses me and I struggle to feel sane. Sshhhh! I calm the voices in my head. Who am I to hurt him? Who am I to hurt anyone? Perhaps selfishness is a sin. Perhaps wanting to be happy is too high a cost to pay. Perhaps, this is what life is… to live for someone else. Perhaps…

So amidst the torment and the pain that has somehow leaked into our lives, I withdraw silently and remain the unattainable.