Its only Words..

Why do words mean so much? Why can one word nullify a hundred caresses? Am I just crazy? Why do words mean so freakin' much? Someone can say the smallest thing n it finds a place somewhere deep in your heart.. it nestles there in this corner, giving you warmth and filling you with hope. And you recall these words in times of quiet desperation... faithfully they comply, reminding you of a more pleasant time. Then there are those words.. the ones that burst out in anger.. words that feel like they strike at ur face cos it hurts so much. Words that creep into your mind and suddenly make those happy words seem so meek and pointless. Words that take control of you and leave a bad after-taste in your mouth. Why do I take words so seriously? Why can't I let them go? Everytime, it takes a little bit out of me.. some part of me that gets lost in those words that tear at my mind... some part of me that never wants to come back.. like a child rebuked.. except these words offer no consolation later. These words just threaten to creep up unexpectedly.. to sabotage a perfectly good moment. Maybe I'm right.. I am crazy afterall.. n' I'm not perfect afterall! I told you so...!!

Hey Mr.Tambourine man play a song for me.. I'm not sleepy n there is no place I'm going to..

At 5a.m. when I should be asleep in bed but have instead spent all night starting at a computer screen.. random thoughts race through my head that I must write down.. I must get them out so I can sleep.. so I can close my eyes and be consumed by the silence that follows the explusion of my thoughts. I read what I wrote when I woke up this afternoon and decided to put it out here.. to let it find some sense somewhere out here!

Happiness is unpredictable in its effects. It makes unanticipated connections, it links people unexpectedly.

It lives side by side with its confidant, its interlocutor, its intimate other-the misanthrop, the malcontent, the melancholiac.

Happiness is a party, open doors. It is hospitable, undiscriminating, expansive, contagious.

Happiness makes you forget-it moves you from the opacity of the past into translucent potentiality: all that you dream of is possible.

Happiness spreads outwards in all directions, overflows. It is not only departure but return -from all directions, simultaneously.

Happiness is a monologue but is punctuated by the pause for applause.
It is epic in its proportions but has no grand design or plot. It does not name, measure or stop in one place; it has no secrets.

Happiness used to be shy but now basks in the sun, naked, loving itself.

Sleep...

I watch you.. As you sleep in my bed, I watch you. I watch you lie curled up under my quilt.. Finding a comfort that I now hold against you for I know that my quilt will never feel the same again without you under it. I feel robbed of one of my few remaining comforting things in this world. Now that I know what it feels like to lie with you, enveloped in heat from your body.. The quilt becomes that invisible power holding us together… moulding us together. But now, as I sit here and watch you, I know that without you, my quilt wont feel the same.
I watch you.. As you lie with your head on my pillow. Like you’ve done this a million times before. My pillow. You’ve taken over my pillow too! I watch as the pillow eagerly bends and cradles itself around you and I want nothing more than to somehow keep it that way forever.. Keep the impression of your body intact in my bed and your smell on my sheets. Now that I know how your body feels against mine.. How my bed feels different with you in it, I struggle with the agony of the many sleepless nights I know I’ll endure in my empty bed. I struggle with having to get used to this bed which suddenly seems too big for me!
I watch you as you suddenly turn and hold me.. Like finding me here next to you is the most natural thing in the world. I fight the awareness that it’ll be an unbearably long wait before we can do this again. In my head I’m already counting the days and months to go till the next time I can lie beside you like this.. Touching you.. Loving you! I’m torn.. I want to lie as close to you as possible and make the most of this chance I’ve been given. I want to make up for all the days that I’ll be too far away to hold your hand.. To touch you.. To see you. I want to squeeze in a few months worth of caresses and whispers. I want to take in enough of your smell to get me through those lonely months. I want to memorise the feel of your body next to mine so I can, whenever I want to, conjure up this ecstasy I feel. But I also want to pull away from you a little.. Just so that I can see your face.. See that look of serenity that comes over you when you sleep. I want to watch for clues to your dreams. I want to memorise your face and the way it makes me feel!